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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  January 26, 2012 9:30am-10:00am PST

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democrats dating each other by agreeing to sit side by side rather than one on each side? >> the republicans and democrats sitting next to each other. that's like date rape. i don' captioning sponsored by comedy central ♪ (cheers and applause). >> stephen: thank you very much! welcome to the show! (cheers and applause) thank you so much! thank you so much for joining us! (crowd chanting "stephen").
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(cheers and applause). >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen, that was... thank you, ladies and gentlemen, that was good of you. that was... that was lawful good of you. (laughter) some of you know what i'm talking about. (laughter) folks, always good to have you with us. you know, folks, three years ago barack obama promised us change. but last night once again president "look at me i'm the president" ruined another perfectly good night of t.v. (laughter) by addressing yet another joint session of congress. is it me, or didn't he just do that like a year ago? (laughter) i swear this guy's got o.c.d . oh, got to touch every knob in the house. got to flip the light switch 50 times. got to address congress once a year. get some help.
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(laughter) he preempted my favorite show. tuesday night without "n.c.i.s.: los angeles" is like l.l. cool j. without chris o'donnell. it's unnatural. (laughter) now, folks, i am not going to make you suffer through his whole partisan pout fest but i do want to show you one moment. we all know this country in deep trouble but this clown, to him it's all a big joke. >> we got rid of one rule from 40 years ago that could have forced some dairy farmers to spend $10,000 a year proving that they could contain a spill because milk was somehow classified as an oil. with a rule like that, i guess it was worth crying over spilled milk. (mild laughter) (laughter) >> stephen: oh, hardy-haar-haar. it is to laugh while the jay leno in chief was cracking wise
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the crime rate in this country is soaring. why, just yesterday two peanuts were walking down the street and one was assaulted! (cheers and applause) true story. true story. (laughter) of course, obama's little hissy fit was merely the opening act for the real state of the union address-- the rebuttal. first the g.o.p.'s response came from indiana governor and shrink ray experiment mitch daniels. (laughter) but the speech everyone's talking about came from my buddy herman cain at the national press club. cain gave the rebuttal for the team as well as his own group the "stay on t.v. party." in the speech, cain addressed the issue americans care about most. >> i think stephen colbert's
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endorsement of me is a marvelous thing. and here's why: one of the other things things that i and my organization has an an objective is to keep the youth vote inspired. they're not going to go and watch the shows that some of us more mature people watch to find out what's going on in the race. they're watching the stephen colberts. >> stephen: well said, sir herman cain. (cheers and applause) yes. the more mature peep watch other things. but the more immature youth vote watches this show. which is why tonight i'm endorsing senator dued yvonne pooping pants. von pooping pants, you can depends on him. (laughter) for the record, i also endorse
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herman cain. now, folks, anybody watching this show knows that i have conquered all media except one. children's books. i just don't understand them! the cow jumped over the moon? that is physically impossible! because even if she made it, she would burn up on reentry. (laughter) doesn't pass the smell test. but my fellow celebrities are cranking out the kids' books. so to cash in last night i sat down with legendary author of "where the wild things are" maurice seine dak and now the dramatic more of it. >> why write for children? >> i don't write for children. >> stephen: you don't? >> no, i write. and somebody says "that's for children." i didn't set out to make children happy. >> stephen: and now the story bookending of "grim colberty tales" with maurice sendak. what do you think of the current
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state of children's literature? >> abysmal. >> stephen: there's so much of it, though. >> that's what makes it abysmal. >> stephen: let's talk about some of your competition. give me your reviews. "green eggs and ham." >> good. >> stephen: green eggs and ham" good. >> everything by seuss is good. >> stephen: really. >> yes. >> stephen: give a mouth a cookie." >> mmeh. >> stephen: you shouldn't give a mouse a cookie. >> you should open the door saying "get the hell out of my house." >> stephen: curious george? >> great. >> stephen: i don't believe in monkeys in the house either. >> you don't like it? >> stephen: no, they throw their feces. the monkey will bite your face off. >> they won't do that. >> stephen: he could have at any moment. have i changed your mind on "curious george?" >> stephen:. >> . >> stephen: so you're in favor of children getting their faces
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chewed off. "girl with a dragon tattoo?" >> isn't that an adult novel? >> stephen: that's prejudiced of you. someone who's been so ghettoized in their work would say a child couldn't read a book about murder and say doe mast masochism. >> you trapped me. you trapped me. zed. >> stephen: check mate, sir. >> you're wrong but you trapped me. >> stephen: am i? so other people can be pigeon holed but you can't do that to maurice sendak. that's a crime. >> how about that. i deserved that. >> stephen: double standard much? let's shift gears. every celebrity is out there cashing in on children's books and i want in. what's it take for a celebrity to make a successful book? >> well, you've started already by being an idiot. that's really the very first demand. >> stephen: idiot? >> idiot. >> stephen: how do you spell that? >> after the hat, you know the formula.
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>> stephen: you just need an animal and something they've lost. >> well, yes, i mean most books for children are very bad. >> stephen: squirrel lost their mittens. >> there you go. >> stephen: the buffalo lost its gun. >> you've just written two children's books. >> stephen: i've got a story, can i read it to you? >> do you have to? >> stephen: i's called "i am appalled and so can you." i am a pole and so can you. i am a pole, that much is clear to me. but just what type of pole could i possibly be? i tried to be a pole for vaulting but i couldn't seem to bend. i would love to be a ski pole but for that i'd need a friend. i wished i was the north pole and mark the home of santa or even just a gallup poll calling voters in atlanta. (laughter) i considered firemen and fishing, was it totem for some time? and even tried to be a stripper pole but i couldn't stand the
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grind. (laughter) but then one day in my depth of despair some scouts brought me old glory as something to wear. and while she danced and she waved, it became clear to me i'm the best kind of pole you can possibly be. i'm an american flagpole now pledge a liege yans or else. >> (laughs). >> stephen: (cheers and applause) what do you think? >> i like it. >> stephen: can i get that as a blurb. >> absolutely. >> stephen: "the sad thing is i like it." >> it's a good blurb. and what you need to do is get a popular illustrator who has a horrible sense of design, no taste for type, nothing about the aesthetics of what a picture book would look like and you will probably make a lot of money. >> stephen: would you teach me how to draw? >> no. >> stephen: so this is where you do all your work?
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>> yeah. >> stephen: i'm trying to figure out how to draw a pole. i'm not very good a drawing. let me try a pole here. >> be careful. i assume you were huffing these when you draw "where the wild things are." >> ♪ i remember pearl harbor..." (laughter) that just pulled the song right out of me. >> stephen: right out of you. >> right out of my nose. >> stephen: we got a mountain. a cloud. a polish woman holding a pole. (laughter). >> stephen: it could be a polish stripper. >> that's what i think. >> stephen: any advice here? >> no, i just... i would leave
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it alone because it has a kind of delicacy and irrationality and... terrible quality of ordinariness. >> stephen: terribly ordinary. maurice sendak, that's another great blurb. >> supremely ordinary. >> stephen: well, moshe, i think with my fantastic book idea, my words, my drawings and your blurb i think we've got a hit here. >> i know we do. >> stephen: thank you, sir. (applause) folks, once i get a publisher i "i am a pole and so can you "reason available in bookstores everywhere in hard cover, paper back, maybe even an e-book. what do you say about that, maurice? >> (bleep)ing will i say?
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i hate those e-books, they can not be the future. they may well be... i will be
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(cheers and applause). >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thank you so much. now, folks, you know me, i
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generally don't report on countries other than america. (laughter) but sometimes urgent developments abroad forced me to acknowledge their existence. this is "un-american news." (cheers and applause) china addition. welcome. or as they say in chinese "aloha." monday, folks, is the start of the chinese new year and all over china celebrations kicked off with the traditional assembling of the ipads. faster. this, of course, is the year of the dragon. i know, it seems like dragon was just 11 animals ago. of course the dragon is considered the luckiest in the chinese zodiac. unfortunately, that luck came too late for one of my chinese
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viewers. >> a chinese billionaire dies after having his favorite meal and wait until you hear what that is. his family claims he was murdered. harris is here with the story. harris? >> it's a local delicacy. it's cat stew. (audience reacts). >> stephen: yes. cat stew. and as she said, in china, cat stew is a delicacy which means if you find it disgusting you are racist. (laughter) look in the mirror. what happened was chinese tycoon long luan, friend of the show, sat down to a male of slow boiled cat meat stew only to be take on the the hospital after feeling dizzy and sick then stuffing a cardiac arrest. hardly the smooth digestion you'd expect after a night of eating boiled cat. (laughter) now, police discovered that his meal had been poisoned by a business associate kwan guong, also a friend of the show.
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who's accused of adding a toxic plant to the cat meet stew which you may remember is how the c.i.a. finally got alf. (laughter) now, i want to assure all of my chinese tycoon viewers that this poisoning was an isolated incident. we are not-- repeat not-- recalling the line of premium canned cat meat stew that i endorse in china colonel tuxedo's happy joy power cat. (cheers and applause) remember our motto, folks, reliable sting of pleasure trustworthy of lunch. (laughter) colonel tuxedos is the number-two most popular brand of cat meat stew in guangdong province and let me stress, my cat meat stew contains no
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poisons-- that have been activated. (laughter) warning, do not heat my cat meat stew. well, folks, hard... (laughter). it's hard to believe that's all the time we have for this special un-american news chinese edition. or it could have been the korean edition. i guess i'm confused. but i'm not a racist-- i have an asian friend. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)
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>> welcome back, everybody, my guest tonight is celebrating her 25th year hosting npr's fresh air. i'm going to ask her some stale questions. (laughter) please welcome teri gross. (cheers and applause) hey, terry! nice to see you. well, i am a big fan and it is a pleasure to finally put a face to the pregnant pauses in that voice. (laughter) 25 years, congratulations. >> thank you very much. >> stephen: when the show started how long did you think it would last? >> well, we started as a local show in '75 and it became a national show in '87 and i was just grateful they let me stay on the air at first. i thought this will never last so i'm thrilled. >> stephen: did you get paid at first?
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>> first i was a volunteer in buffalo and i didn't get paid at all. >> stephen: okay. >> is that... >> stephen: that's an answer. (laughter) i'm not sure what you're asking but yes. that is a sufficient answer. >> it's a true answer. >> stephen: a true answer. if you weren't getting paid why did you stick with it? >> i loved it. >> stephen: if they didn't pay me for this show i would bug out in a minute. >> i loved it. i had been doing odd jobs and typing jobs because... uh-oh, i neglected to mention my first job was teaching english in buffalo new york's inner city tempest junior high and they fired me in about six weeks. >> stephen: why did they fire terry gross? >> because terry gross was a terrible teacher. (laughter). >> stephen: let me ask you something, how do you do a show like yours for 25 years? because you have an intense interest, it seems, in what people are saying. how do you make... is that a manufactured interest or is that real? i guess what i'm asking is, is there a character terry gross that you're doing? >> no, there kind of isn't.
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one of the cry criteria for being on the show is that i think the guest is genuinely interesting. so i really care. >> stephen: do you ever get into the middle of the interview and go "oh, i have miscalled this one. this guy is snoozeville." >> that has happened but you have to be care informal an interview that even if something is boring you have to pay attention. i was interviewing grover norquist. >> stephen: i've had him on. >> who is the man behind the no tax pledge and he was going on and on about the estate tax and why it's a terrible thing. >> stephen: the test tax. >> which he calls the death tax and i was thinking there's too many statistics, it's dull, radio isn't good for statistics so i was thinking what am i going to ask him, what should i do with the interview? and suddenly i thought i heard him say that the morality of the death tax was like the morality of the holocaust and i thought whoa, did he they that? did i juster that? did that happen. >> stephen: that's a wakeup
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call. >> it's a wakeup call and so i actually said to him, excuse me, did you actually compare the holocaust to the estate tax? >> stephen: and he said? >> he said "no, i compared the morality of the death tax..." >> stephen: i'm not saying we're actually killing jews but it's very similar. (laughter) >> millions of lives, millions of dollars. >> stephen: exactly. exactly. they both have faces on them. (laughter) he's got a point. he's got a point. you went after pretty hard and heavy my dear friend papa bear bill bill o'reilly. (laughter) you attacked him in an interview. >> i didn't. >> you attacked him. >> he says i attacked him. >> stephen: no you attacked him. >> he says the interview was 40 minutes of defamation. it was a 40 minute interview. he terminate it had interview at the end of 40 minutes but what really happened was i asked him a few challenging questions at the end and it shocked me that somebody who prides himself on
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being the toughest interviewer... >> stephen: he is. >> america would feel so offended at being asked just a few challenging questions. >> stephen: do remember what they were? what you asked him? >> well, i asked him if he ever used a microphone to settle scores with people, for example if somebody gave him a bad review he'd call them a pinhead on the show. and if somebody declined to be a guest on their show he would accuse them of being a coward and cowering under their desks. >> you are a monster! (laughter) >> stephen: let me ask you something. you do something in interviews that i don't understand. why let the guests talk. (laughter) and you listen to them while we're doing it. that doesn't make any sense to me. (cheers and applause) >> because i see it as my job to create a kind of comfort zone where the guests will feel safe... >> stephen: i'm going to stop you right there. when does terry gross sell out and cash in?
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why don't you just leave this public nonsense behind and go for the big bucks. why not terry gross' fresh air brought to you by febreze. (laughter) >> it's really wonderful on public radio to not be beholden to sponsors. to not have to worry about advertising. >> but you have to get the people to give you money. for 25 years, you must be running out of new ways to ask for cash. at this point it's got to be give me $20 and i'll eat a bug. (laughter) >> i'll try that! >> stephen: terry, thank you so much for joining me. fresh air and whyy, terry gross, we'll be right
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